Monologue by my yoga mat

Look, I've been sitting here in the corner of the living room for weeks, quite possibly months now. I'm starting to wilt and collect dust. You've left me to sit next to that ball, who I might add thinks we are way better friends than we are just because I've let him use me a few times. I mean, I understand "taking one for the team." But don't you think this is a little ridiculous? I've been taking one for the team for over a month now. I'm just tired of having the ball as my only company. And by the way, pink makes him look fat.

I know you've been sick and haven't had the energy to work out lately. I think it's obvious by how messy it's gotten here. I'm tired of watching you watch movies and falling asleep in the middle of them. Hairspray is not that good. It's disgusting. Have you noticed how flabby your stomach has gotten? I have when you sit down next to me. It's a little sad. I bet you can't even see your muscles in your legs and arms anymore. Doesn't that make you a little depressed? Okay, yes, that was a little harsh, but part of a relationship is being as honest as possible. That jerk who comes around now, bringing you ice cream, claiming to make you "feel better" is just enabling you. Can't you see that?

Don't you remember when you first took me home? You adored the purple and green paisley print. You showed me off and brought me out and we had so many good times together. Okay, the time your dog tried to eat me was not so good, but aside from that.

Don't you remember how comfortable you got with me? You fell asleep feeling my soft foam skin and smelling my sweat and plastic cologne. You looked hot with me, practicing your positions and stretching your body. We really were great together.

I guess I'm just trying to tell you that I miss you and want you back. Please come back. If you don't, I can't promise that I won't become misplaced. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.