Saturday, August 29, 2009

Monologue by my yoga mat

Look, I've been sitting here in the corner of the living room for weeks, quite possibly months now. I'm starting to wilt and collect dust. You've left me to sit next to that ball, who I might add thinks we are way better friends than we are just because I've let him use me a few times. I mean, I understand "taking one for the team." But don't you think this is a little ridiculous? I've been taking one for the team for over a month now. I'm just tired of having the ball as my only company. And by the way, pink makes him look fat.

I know you've been sick and haven't had the energy to work out lately. I think it's obvious by how messy it's gotten here. I'm tired of watching you watch movies and falling asleep in the middle of them. Hairspray is not that good. It's disgusting. Have you noticed how flabby your stomach has gotten? I have when you sit down next to me. It's a little sad. I bet you can't even see your muscles in your legs and arms anymore. Doesn't that make you a little depressed? Okay, yes, that was a little harsh, but part of a relationship is being as honest as possible. That jerk who comes around now, bringing you ice cream, claiming to make you "feel better" is just enabling you. Can't you see that?

Don't you remember when you first took me home? You adored the purple and green paisley print. You showed me off and brought me out and we had so many good times together. Okay, the time your dog tried to eat me was not so good, but aside from that.

Don't you remember how comfortable you got with me? You fell asleep feeling my soft foam skin and smelling my sweat and plastic cologne. You looked hot with me, practicing your positions and stretching your body. We really were great together.

I guess I'm just trying to tell you that I miss you and want you back. Please come back. If you don't, I can't promise that I won't become misplaced. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Apartment searching

There is a sick addiction in looking for apartments. I like looking at the pictures of apartments and homes. It's like a puzzle trying to find someplace that has everything I want, namely off street parking and AC. It's a game to find the best apartment for the cheapest price. My goal in finding an apartment this time is to get the first month free with a low deposit. I'm successful so far.

I'd like to live in a duplex. However, this is proving to be more difficult. Especially when it comes to finding air conditioning. In a couple weeks I will say AC doesn't matter, but since it's been 90 degrees for the last three days, I'm feeling it's a little critical.

Also, did I mention I'm excited to be moving back to Minneapolis? I am.

I am a bit bewildered by some apartment advertisements. Many advertise things that really should come with any apartment. For example:

Our apartment features:

Really? Are there apartments in which I would need to provide my own fridge? This concerns me a little.

One landlord seemed apparently irritated to be leasing out the property. His ad went as follows:

Here are the answers to the top stupid questions:

Do you have pictures? No, if I had pictures, I would have posted them.
What is the deposit? One month rent.
What utilities are included? None. Get a job and pay for them yourself.

There was also a phone number to call him for a showing. Needless to say, I didn't write it down. Something tells me he's not going to get choice tenants.

Google has really been helpful though. All I need to do is search for the apartment complex, and a map pops up telling me where it is and it has a link with reviews of it. One apartment I was interested in had 29 (29!) bad reviews. And when I say bad, I mean embarrassingly terrible. It didn't get more than two stars on any review. I felt bad for the place. Five reviews stated they had both mice and bed bugs. Seriously, bed bugs? I wasn't aware those things even existed in the 21st century. What do they have, hay for carpet? It's Minneapolis, not a barn.

I'm concerned for my future living conditions.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

On what planet is this okay?

I was so uneasy with this news article. A deputy who not only tasered a woman in front of her children, forced her out of her car by grabbing her arm and pulling her out, and then pulled her out into the street. He then arrested her and left her two children in her car.

Her charge initially was talking on her phone, which she could prove wasn't true. He then told her she was going five miles (FIVE MILES) over the speed limit. These charges were dropped after she started a lawsuit.

The deputy's punishment? He's being reassigned. It's a good thing he wasn't fired for his behavior.