I'm moving. Don't stop reading!

I'm moving to a new location. The main reason is because I'm tired of having to log in with my old email address every time I post. At least that's what I'll say is my reason. I've started a new class with my students in which I require them to have a blog. I decided to join in. And since my students all have my info on my other Google account, I'm switching over there. Don't worry, I still love you all. The two of you who read me.

http://maggiequam.blogspot.com

An email from a student on maternity leave

Ms. Maggie,

My project is going good. The baby still hasn't come. I'm so anxious now. Mr. Pete is trying to get us to switch schools. Do you want me to turn in what I have done? I really want to finish the project on my baby because it was a good project and I got a good start on it.

I miss you a lot. Hope to see you soon. Love you so much.

Where exactly HAVE I been?

I've been trying to come up with a good post for the last few months. I've been failing miserably, I know. I like lists. So to make this less intimidating, here's a list of the last few months. This will be more regular, I swear (not the lists...okay probably the lists).

1. In September I moved from St. Paul back to Minneapolis. I live two blocks from Lake Calhoun. Happiness.

Okay, maybe not quite happiness. Technically it's a basement. And it's rather noisy. For those of you who didn't know about my apartment in St. Paul, it was a rented condo. Filled with old people. I swear, my roommate and I were the only ones under 70. Also it had a balcony that looked at downtown St. Paul. And it had central air and heat. Whatever, the millions I will make as a teacher will make up for this moment of dankness.

2. For Halloween I went as steam punk. I'm not going to explain it to you. I will only say it was not a serious costume.

3. In early December, a friend of mine died. While we weren't especially close, I'd known her since I was nine years old. Honestly, this has probably been the most difficult funeral I have ever been to. I should not have worn mascara. I wept like a child. I hope I am a fraction of the caring, considerate, thoughtful and happy person she was. She was the most beautiful person I have ever known.

4. I went to Salt Lake City in December to visit my friend, this time with Perry. Hello, fun. We went for a long weekend and basically spa-ed it up and had a great time.


5. In October, I took a position at a new school. This is probably the main reason I have not been posting. While I have a lot of stories, few should, or can, be repeated. And they are rarely cute antics at this point.

Pros: I am fully employed, with benefits, and have the responsibility of technology integration within all four school sites. There are days in which I am truly reminded of why I always wanted to be a teacher. My students teach me more than I could ever learn from my own life.

Cons: Most of the female population is pregnant and/or has had one or more child. Most (if not all) of the boys are involved in gangs. Despite the jerks out there who mock and imitate the Bloods and Crips, it is a very real life for my students. They have made me hate those jerks even more. Most of my students always carry some weapon, narcotics on them. Last Friday a student brought a gun to school for protection. Since I started in October, two students have been buried due to gang violence. One of my students does not have a bed or pillow and sleeps on wood floors. He comes in every morning with a school lunch as the last meal he's had. This is not an unusual situation at my school.

Things that cross my mind on a daily basis:

1. I yelled at _____. I hope he is not waiting outside with a gun/knife/large group of people.
2. How will I cross the race barrier today?
3. Thank God for my life (honestly, I don't think I'll be in a position to complain ever again).
4. God, get me through today.
5. God, get my kids back to me safely.

Quotes from my students that have stood out:

1. "I don't care what you say, you don't know what it's like to live in the 'hood."
2. "Why did you kill Martin Luther King?"
3. "Why do we have to learn this? It's not going to save my life when a gun is against my head."
4. "Oh, man! Damn!"
5. "I like Ms. Maggie. She tells us she loves us."

The sound and look of the recession, told through a traffic report

Minnesota traffic is a bit unique. Well, perhaps not unique, but given our stereotype of niceness, it's a bit surprising. Drivers here are among some of the most passive aggressive drivers in the country. While we feel we are nice and generally rational people, we also don't appreciate that jerk cutting us off at the last second on 394. The response? Obviously it's to tailgate for a mile and then pass the car in the next lane, glaring at the driver the entire time.

In stop-and-go traffic, do not plan on getting into a lane, regardless of where you are merging from, unless you are willing to risk a possible accident. People will not let you in, as they feel that since you have just come into the area, you have no right to just merge in front of them.

Lately, I've been noticing some situations and sounds that are rather new to the Minnesota drive. I feel like it is related to the added stress and pressure of money that has become so apparent in most of our lives. I feel like people are beginning to lose perspective on rational driving and becoming more aggressive as the pressure of money, or lack thereof, rises.

First, the other day while driving into Minneapolis, someone had a flat tire, which they stopped to replace on the freeway. In the Lowry Tunnel. I understand that a flat tire is a big deal. But really? At 8:00 am? In the Lowry Tunnel? I give Minnesotans more credit than this. The Hiawatha, and U of M exits are a 1/2 mile from the tunnel. He couldn't make it that far? I blame a preoccupation with cost and investment on the poor planning and reaction of this driver.

Second, I've been noticing a lot more horns. Minnesota drivers are not typically ones to use their horns a lot. That would constitute aggression. And Minnesotans are certainly not aggressive. They will claim they don't know what passive aggressive means and deny it upon learning the definition. Again, I see the added stress of getting through traffic, wasting gas, wondering how much money you'll have next week, next month, next year. People have become more and more aggressive, which I think is due to the constant economic situation that doesn't seem to bring any good news.

Traffic has become rather unbearable. The thing that was nice about Minnesota drivers was, during the week, everyone was on the same page when it came to reaching their destination: get there as quickly and efficiently as possible. On Saturdays and Sundays, people weren't in such a hurry, but still were more interested in getting to their destination in a timely manner. The treatment of people who were not abiding by these unwritten rules were treated similarly to the cutting-off-on-the-freeway situation noted above.

Now, there seem to be an unruly amount of accidents. And worse yet, every lane on the freeway will be stopped. In the morning it takes me almost a half hour to get to work, and 45 minutes to get home in the afternoons, and I live less than 10 miles away from my job. Sunday driving seems to be a contest to see who can drive the slowest in the left lane. I feel like there is a certain dread to dealing with the destination. Drive slower and it will be longer until you have to face more financial worry, at home or at a restaurant. Any place reminds everyone of the financial shortfall we're experiencing these days.

Yesterday, NPR reported the recession ended. Today it took me an hour to get home and I heard 4 different car horns. I don't think the recession is quite over yet.

Songs any self respecting woman would hate

...but are played at Ann Taylor stores anyway.

"U Started It"- Gwen Stefani
"Rich Girls Poor Girls"- Everybody Else
"One Of The Boys"- Katy Perry
"The Sweet Escape"- Gwen Stefani
"Disturbia"- Rihanna

Monologue by my yoga mat

Look, I've been sitting here in the corner of the living room for weeks, quite possibly months now. I'm starting to wilt and collect dust. You've left me to sit next to that ball, who I might add thinks we are way better friends than we are just because I've let him use me a few times. I mean, I understand "taking one for the team." But don't you think this is a little ridiculous? I've been taking one for the team for over a month now. I'm just tired of having the ball as my only company. And by the way, pink makes him look fat.

I know you've been sick and haven't had the energy to work out lately. I think it's obvious by how messy it's gotten here. I'm tired of watching you watch movies and falling asleep in the middle of them. Hairspray is not that good. It's disgusting. Have you noticed how flabby your stomach has gotten? I have when you sit down next to me. It's a little sad. I bet you can't even see your muscles in your legs and arms anymore. Doesn't that make you a little depressed? Okay, yes, that was a little harsh, but part of a relationship is being as honest as possible. That jerk who comes around now, bringing you ice cream, claiming to make you "feel better" is just enabling you. Can't you see that?

Don't you remember when you first took me home? You adored the purple and green paisley print. You showed me off and brought me out and we had so many good times together. Okay, the time your dog tried to eat me was not so good, but aside from that.

Don't you remember how comfortable you got with me? You fell asleep feeling my soft foam skin and smelling my sweat and plastic cologne. You looked hot with me, practicing your positions and stretching your body. We really were great together.

I guess I'm just trying to tell you that I miss you and want you back. Please come back. If you don't, I can't promise that I won't become misplaced. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

Apartment searching

There is a sick addiction in looking for apartments. I like looking at the pictures of apartments and homes. It's like a puzzle trying to find someplace that has everything I want, namely off street parking and AC. It's a game to find the best apartment for the cheapest price. My goal in finding an apartment this time is to get the first month free with a low deposit. I'm successful so far.

I'd like to live in a duplex. However, this is proving to be more difficult. Especially when it comes to finding air conditioning. In a couple weeks I will say AC doesn't matter, but since it's been 90 degrees for the last three days, I'm feeling it's a little critical.

Also, did I mention I'm excited to be moving back to Minneapolis? I am.

I am a bit bewildered by some apartment advertisements. Many advertise things that really should come with any apartment. For example:

Our apartment features:
-Refrigerator
-Stove

Really? Are there apartments in which I would need to provide my own fridge? This concerns me a little.

One landlord seemed apparently irritated to be leasing out the property. His ad went as follows:

Here are the answers to the top stupid questions:

Do you have pictures? No, if I had pictures, I would have posted them.
What is the deposit? One month rent.
What utilities are included? None. Get a job and pay for them yourself.

There was also a phone number to call him for a showing. Needless to say, I didn't write it down. Something tells me he's not going to get choice tenants.

Google has really been helpful though. All I need to do is search for the apartment complex, and a map pops up telling me where it is and it has a link with reviews of it. One apartment I was interested in had 29 (29!) bad reviews. And when I say bad, I mean embarrassingly terrible. It didn't get more than two stars on any review. I felt bad for the place. Five reviews stated they had both mice and bed bugs. Seriously, bed bugs? I wasn't aware those things even existed in the 21st century. What do they have, hay for carpet? It's Minneapolis, not a barn.

I'm concerned for my future living conditions.

On what planet is this okay?

I was so uneasy with this news article. A deputy who not only tasered a woman in front of her children, forced her out of her car by grabbing her arm and pulling her out, and then pulled her out into the street. He then arrested her and left her two children in her car.

Her charge initially was talking on her phone, which she could prove wasn't true. He then told her she was going five miles (FIVE MILES) over the speed limit. These charges were dropped after she started a lawsuit.

The deputy's punishment? He's being reassigned. It's a good thing he wasn't fired for his behavior.

Top ways not to write a paper, or how I became an expert in procrastination

I have been assigned a 10 page paper on gender construction in children's and adolescent literature. Believe me: it's as exciting as it sounds. The class ended last Friday, so you can imagine how checked out I am in regards to this paper. So here are some ways I attempted to avoid writing. Tonight:

1. Facebook: the god of all methods of procrastination. There is a reason this was only open to college students initially; Facebook's only purpose is procrastination from studying for exams and writing papers. I swear, in the last hour I've logged on three times. In a day, I may generally log in three times (if I'm especially popular).
2. Make a pizza. Nom nom nom.
3. Bitch to your roommate about everything you hate in alphabetical order, and then listen her list.
4. Bake cookies. Do not forget them though.
5. Three hole punch every sheet of paper in you backpack and put them neatly, in order, into a three ring binder (something to consider before the class ends).
6. Look up APA citation even though you already know how to do it.
7. Ask to borrow select cds from your roommate.
8. Pandora. Assume that all the music they play is terrible and create an entirely new playlist. Preferrably one that makes you so happy you dance away from the computer, or makes you so sad you sit and cry for a while.
9. Complain that it's too cloudy to go for a long walk.
10. Sit by a window and wish you were healthy enough to go for a long walk.
11. Plan the route of said long walk.

Sickness

So apparently I went almost a week with mono without knowing it. Here's why:

Since last August, I kid you not, I have been sick seven times. SEVEN. My seventh graders, upon the third cold in December, smiled sweetly, telling me whatever I got was from them. Last Wednesday night, I started getting the sore throat I generally do when I get sick. I have this thing down to a system. I mean, my now-boyfriend came down with it in April or May, and I was able to give him an accurate hour by hour play of what to expect. Anyway. Wednesday night. Thursday I woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck. Seriously, I questioned what went on over the last eight hours of sleep that would make me feel the way I did. I live on the fourth floor and my walls were intact, so I'm assuming it wasn't the truck scenario.

But something strange happened Thursday, which I did my best to ignore. While my face was swollen to the point of wanting it to explode and not being able to open my eyes even half way, this was not the part that alarmed me. At dinner, with friends and their family, I got so warm, I thought I was going to pass out. Now I am never hot. Anyone who knows me, can attest to this. I. Am. Never. Hot. 90 degrees? I'm still cold, with my cardigan. I have more cardigans than I have pants, that's how cold I am. Seriously. Then when we went back to my friends' place for cake. I got so tired that when I sat down, I nearly had chocolate cake all over my face from falling asleep in it.

Since I don't listen to warning signs as it is, I still went out Friday for a bit and woke up early Saturday morning so dehydrated, death seemed like a reasonable option. Saturday and Sunday the pain in my throat and ears became unbearable. I broke down and went into a clinic on Sunday afternoon. Now, I don't have insurance, so if I go in to see a doctor, I expect to leave with a prescription that will literally save my life. I left, instead, with a box of Claritin. Claritin. I have never felt pain in my face like I have on Sunday, and the doctor had the nerve to give me allergy medication.

Monday, at six in the morning, I decided to go to a different clinic. I realize I should go to a regular doctor, but when you don't have insurance, it seems a bit ridiculous to have a "regular" doctor in the first place. Oddly enough, the new doctor found out within 30 seconds that I had mono. He then scolded me for waiting for it to get out of control before coming in. I'd direct him to the "no insurance" bit of this blog, but then I'd just feel redundant.

This was a death sentence for me. I am the person that does three things at once because I can. I pace during movies and TV shows. I'm that girl you hate to date because I get up to do dishes during romantic moments. I read, play music and fidget at the same time. When my computer is on, I have no less than four programs running. And two of those usually have a chat option.

I've been reading a lot. Music still hurts my head so I sit in my bed. Silent. I watch a lot of movies and stand up. Thank God for Netflix. I have looked out my window hoping to see an explosion, fire, building collapse of some sort that would require me to exert myself. As of now, no such luck. I'm hopeful for tomorrow though.

Sweden

I went to Sweden for about 10 days in June. It was subtly amazing. It had the appearance of home, yet the attitude of someplace else. Now, the story of Sweden is somewhat of a crazy one. So here it is:

In April, I decided that for several reasons, I was going insane. I couldn't get away from some things and couldn't find others. I felt like I was losing a sense of who I was and where I was going. So one night, around midnight, I got onto a travel website and bought a ticket to Sweden. For no reason whatsoever. I began to hyperventilate because this is not something I would do. Ever.

I had met a family online several months before and spoke over Skype frequently, but we had never formally met. And the next thing I knew, I was asking if I could stay with them when I arrived in June. My friends and family were excited about this. I was doing something truly exciting. Little did they know I was scared out of my mind. What was I thinking going to a foreign country, planning to stay with people I had never met? My only fear that I could process at that point was they weren't going to be at the airport when I landed.

The morning of the flight, I was proud: I only threw up once before getting on. I was nervous and what made it worse was that I sat next to a guy that did not understand the concept of sleeping through the night. Instead he watched comedies all evening, laughing and tapping his foot. When we landed in Sweden, I turned to the other man sitting next to me, relieved, and said "we made it!" He grabbed my hand, smiled and laughed a little. He was going home, but he knew I had never been before. That was my first welcome into Sweden: comforting and promising.

I can't say enough wonderful things about the Lindqvist family. Their friendliness and hospitality goes beyond that of anything I've ever known. Their extended family and friends were even welcoming and accommodating. I could not believe how willing people were to speak English, since I spoke no Swedish. It was like I became part of their family. My--I still have the bracelet you made me, and I get lots of compliments. I have the pictures the kids made me hanging in my room.

Things that stood out/I enjoyed/was amused by:

1. I got to see a Swedish Midsommer. By far the best ever.
This is me dancing around the Midsommer pole:
This is the Midsommer wreath that someone made me. It was BEAUTIFUL:
2. I was excited to go home. Sometimes you miss strange things because that's what you're used to. Upon arriving in the US, I sent a friend a picture of the sign just outside of customs that said "Welcome to New Jersey." Underneath I wrote "it should say: Welcome to New Jersey: Where no one is nice, it's always dirty and it always smells like McDonald's." Their response? "Welcome home :)"

3. I forced myself to be on limited internet and had no phone while I was there. It felt good. Really good.

4. When I got home, I had to remember Americans don't use the centigrade system. I spent 10 days trying to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius. And now, I had to convert Celsius into Fahrenheit. Go figure.

5. The more I talked about Minnesota, the more I didn't understand how I could live there compared to Sweden.

6. The liquor stores are fancy, and Swedish people are amused that American liquor stores are so sketchy.

Sweden:

Minnesota:
7. I got to use the macro part of my camera!
8. Everything is cleaner, happier, more open minded, and land is under developed in Sweden.

9. Playing games with a large group of people, even if they're as simple as Uno, really is a lot more fun than most other things. But I don't want to sit next to Sofia again during games.

10. I don't know how those people stay thin; candy was utterly inescapable.

11. In Sweden, it's apparently acceptable for military bands to play Abba songs at a military ceremony.

12. Sweden nice puts Minnesota nice to shame.

Dance classes...no, really.

A couple friends invited me to an open house at a dance studio yesterday. I must have been half conscious when I agreed because I quickly realized I had no work out pants except for my pajamas and I don't really dance. At all. I have no training and I really don't even watch other people dance much. I have the dance to "Thriller" down pretty well, but that's as far as I go. So I opted to just wear jeans and watch, but my friends talked me into joining in within five minutes of being there. We went to two classes: ballet and jazz. Ballet was easy enough. I struggled on some of the moves because after years of figure skating, my legs wanted to bend and push sideways. This does nothing productive when you're barefoot except make you look like an idiot.

At lunch we stopped at Target and I got some pants which made the day much better. As we walked through the skyway, my friend asked what I thought. I explained the skating thing and then talked about the similarities and differences I noticed between ballet and yoga.

Now, I'll be honest here: I love yoga. I said it was an interesting contrast because in yoga you are constantly described as plants or the air: "You are a tree growing tall in a field," "Feel the air move through you as your chest opens," "You are a blade of grass growing and swaying in the breeze." But in ballet they compare you to active things and machinery: "Imagine you are a plane, soaring through the air," "Imagine throwing your heavy bag in the air as you jump."

While we were learning the jazz routine, I quickly realized that I focused too much on stationary moves rather than moving from one to the next. After doing the routine in its entirety, I got up walked to the corner and mumbled, "Trees should not be jazz dancers."

Summer! v. IV

I have completed my fourth annual Summer! CD. Although, I haven't posted my previous three playlists on here, so technically, this is Summer! v. I for you all. My favorite still seems to be the Summer! v. II, which had such songs as "Sunshine Of My Life," "Aruarian Dance," and "All Summer Long." And let's not go in to last year's Summer! CD. A total disaster that had quite a bit of potential, but went through so many revisions by July that I simply gave up. I hope this year will be more successful. The thing I like about this year's mix is that it's so happy and warm. I listened to it today driving to my parents'. It was fabulous.

I like having one mix to carry me through a season, for some reason. Then when I listen to the CD, months and years later, I can go back to that exact moment in time and feel like I was there. For example, v. II reminds me of being with my cousin for her wedding and the night before driving around Minneapolis and having dinner by the Mississippi at St. Anthony Main.

Here is the Rapidshare link so you can download the playlist if you feel like it. The playlist, and videos, are below. What's sad is that I actually want to do the dance that Hall and Oates do in their music video when I hear that song. Oh, to grow up in the 80s.

1. "Say Hey (I Love You)"- Michael Franti and Spearhead (All Rebel Rockers)
2. "Sweet Johnny"- Gorky's Zygotic Mynci (Gorky 5)
3. "My Father's Gun"- Elton John (Elizabethtown Soundtrack)
4. "Anti-Western"- Camera Obscura (Biggest Bluest Hi-Fi)
5. "Cocaine Blues"- Johnny Cash (At Folsom Prison)
6. "Lollipop"- Mika (In Cartoon Motion)
7. "That's Not My Name"- The Ting Tings (We Started Nothing)
8. "My Best Friend's Girl"- The Cars (The Cars)
9. "Baby I Love Your Way"- Big Mountain (Unity)
10. "Only The Good Die Young"- Billy Joel (The Stranger)
11. "You Make My Dreams Come True"- Hall and Oates (Voices)
12. "Funny Looking Angels"- Delta (Hardlight) I couldn't find a video for this one.
13. "I'll Wait For You"- Sherwood (Sing, But Keep Going)
14. "Summer of 69"- Bowling For Soup (Let's Do It For Johnny!!)
15. "Don't Be Shy"- The Libertines (The Libertines)
16. "Bide Your Time (Acoustic)"- The Courteeners (St. Jude)
17. "Blue Eyes"- Cary Brothers (Garden State Soundtrack)
18. "Age Six Racer"- Dashboard Confessional (The Swiss Army Romance)
19. "Sea Of Love"- Cat Power (Juno Soundtrack)
20. "Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World"- Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (Ka'ano'i)

Substitute teachering

I've had a rather diverse teaching experience over the last year. Subbing has been great for several reasons. One is that I get to be someone different everyday. Two is that I get to see a lot of different schools and see how they function. Here are some notable experiences:

1. Of course my seventh graders. I adore them. Cute and friendly and still actually wanting to learn. A couple of them have tried to add me as a friend on Facebook, but I just send them messages back. One boy wrote to inform me that an inside joke that was created between me and a student (and his class) is still going on. It made me smile to think that they still think about me.

2. Of course my 11th graders. A lot of these kids were kids I taught last spring since I was back at the same school. Even though I was only there covering for one teacher for 6 weeks, I got close to a lot of them. Two girls brought me girl scout cookies on my last day. There isn't a better gift than that. The best part about my 11th graders is that I still sub once in a while at that school, and when they see me in the hall they yell my name, invite me to chat with their friends, joke around, and one once nearly tackled me to the ground for a hug. Another good thing about subbing at this school is that I'm familiar with it. I've subbed a few times for one teacher and her kids have taken to saying "hello" to me in the halls and/or making fun of me when I can't remember their names. I'm learning I have the grandma name disorder bad. I mistake kids that have the same hair color, same facial structure or the same color shirt. It's not okay.

Here is a list of teachers I've been (and possible anicdotes) in the last few months:

1. Industrial tech- me and 30 boys. You can only imagine the awkwardness and stares.

2. Dance/Ballet- one student actually asked if I would be teaching them. I nearly cried from laughter.

3. 7th grade science

4. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12th grade math (apparently math teachers get sick a lot)

5. Special education- I got to be good friends with one boy who insisted I return for cooking day.

6. ELL- A boy once tried to talk shit about me in Spanish and I turned to him and said, "Entiendo Espanol." I've never seen eyes get so wide before. O_O

7. PE- I got to do archery. Very fun. I feel hardcore now since the student teacher taught me how to shoot. I'm not bad at it either!

8. Physics- I'm sorry, what do I need to know about centripetal force?

9. Social Studies- basically English without books.

10. Band/music teacher- a boy I had for social studies was in two of my classes that day. I heard him several times tell students, "Hey it's that teacher with the perfect grillz!"

I think that's all. Really, I hate subbing more than anything. But I'm trying to remain positive.

Life from the east side

I seem to complain a lot about St. Paul. I do like it. I found out today that my landlord wants to sell the condo, thus forcing my roommate and I to find a new place to live in October. Sad. I was starting to like it here a lot.

Even though the thought of leaving Summit and Grand in St. Paul makes me sad, as well as the cringe-worthy thought of moving my stuff AGAIN, I'm getting used to the idea of moving back to Minneapolis. That may be where I'm headed. I like St. Paul, but the drive is a little crazy. Also, I seem to like fearing for my life some. I do like the feeling of safety where I'm at now. But sometimes I miss the crudeness of Minneapolis.

The other day I was getting gas. I went in to pay and was tempted to get a pop. As I was walking to the back coolers, an old man who seemed hardly capable of walking moved in front of me, saying, "Hey baby, you look damn good!" At first I wanted to hug him for making me feel like I was back in Minneapolis. But I instantly realized that would be gross and he would not think I was hugging him for the same reason I thought.

Happy Easter to me.

When I was about eight or nine years old, Easter was one of my favorite holidays. My mom always bought me a small toy or gift that was buried in with my candy. A couple years prior to this, my favorite present ever was a pair of slip-on canvas shoes with a blue and pink flower print on them. I'm not joking.

Anyway, ninth Easter. My brother preferred to grow up more quickly when it came to holidays than I did. This was mainly due to the fact that my mom always said when we stopped believing in the Easter bunny or Santa Clause or the tooth fairy, we stopped receiving gifts. I wasn't stupid. My brother, on the other hand, apparently needed more time to process this threat. He was about six this Easter and took to informing me at every possible moment that the Easter bunny did not exist. This usually resulted in minutes of me covering my ears and shouting, "I can't hear you. La la la la la," and he yelling that I was stupid. Outside of this instance, and maybe car rides, we got along fairly well growing up.

My dad went out to get the paper after we found the hard boiled eggs my brother and I refused to eat. A few moments later my dad came back in and told us that my brother and I should take on more responsibility and get the paper for them. You can imagine how well this went over with our baskets of candy already comfortably placed in our laps. But we were weak children and put up very little argument. My dad sat down on the couch waiting for the paper and my brother and I, much slower than usual, put on our shoes and coats.

By this time, I'd worn my brother down and was beginning to convince him that Mom and Dad could not have possibly hid the eggs and filled the baskets. We got to the end of our long driveway and my brother bent over to pick up the newspaper. I froze. Maybe he wouldn't see what was in the road. I looked at my brother, then the road, then back at my brother just in time to see him stand up slowly, eyeing what I saw. My brother hugged the newspaper as we cautiously approached it. Lying in the middle of the road was a large dead rabbit. I cringed, my brother gasped. We ran back to the house where my dad sat rolling on the couch. My brother threw the newspaper to the floor and screamed, "There is no Easter bunny!" He grabbed his basket and went to play in his room. I stood furious at my dad, "You ruined every holiday for me." I meant to follow that up with a promising threat, but my dad was laughing so hard that when he finally was able to speak, he interrupted me only to ask if I saw any surprises getting the paper.

Home

For the last couple years I've kind of felt like I was wandering a lot. I'm not sure why I didn't feel at home anywhere. And the places that used to feel like home seemed to lose the feeling of calm, comfort and familiarity. I would go to places I used to growing up and try to force myself to feel comfortable there, but I always felt uninvited and out of place. Even in my own apartment now, there are times when I feel like it isn't mine. Sometimes I pull the key from my pocket and I wonder why someone would trust me with their housekey.

This may have stemmed from the house I lived at this summer. But I think it began two falls ago in Minneapolis. I felt more at home house sitting than I did in the house I own in Minneapolis. Things were so ugly there. I have no other way of putting it. And I guess I wasn't even conscious of it at the time. But I remember walking my dog and wondering why everything in north Minneapolis seemed like it was always in this awkward stage of coming out of death, like spring. Spring is good because it means things are going to be warm, fresh and new, but it's neither a graceful transition, nor is it pretty. There were moments when I felt like my eyes were craving something beautiful.

The closest I came to feeling at home was on my drive home from work. There is a section on 694 that is straight and uneventful. Traffic is usually pretty heavy and noisy since I go home around four or five. But just before the freeway splits and I drive into Minneapolis, there is a moment where everything becomes silent. Even my music takes on a new sound. I don't hear the cars around me. I don't even hear my own car. To me this is what home sounds like. Everything is quiet. I don't hear or see the ugly parts of my life.

Last night, as I drove home from my parents', I found home in a shockingly glorious moment. To get to my parents', there is about a ten minute drive along a large lake. On one side, large old homes sit damp and wilted in the spring with the frozen lake on the other side. Yesterday was no different since it was gray and on the verge of raining all day. It's ugly and brown and depressing. But then I saw something I hadn't seen in years: two swans floating along the shoreline of the water. I remember seeing them once in a while on my way into school when I lived at home. And suddenly, I realized how quiet it was with no wind or cars around me. All I saw was the lake almost melted, the calm mirror look of the water and those swans that seemed to just glide on top of it. It was so delicate and beautiful surrounded by the ugliness of dead leaves, frozen lake and gray clouds. The white of their feathers almost hurt my eyes, it was so bright in contrast. It was as though I hadn't seen color so vibrant in years. Then I remembered what home felt like.

Things I'm still finding out

Firstly, I'm finding I'm not capable of managing accordion style Post-It notes. I went to reach for one today on my desk and the entire stack came undone. In front of my entire class.

I'm capable of being sick and having a good day.

I'm capable of spending part of class getting to know my students and allowing them to get to know me.

I'm capable of walking out to my car in a parking lot and forgetting I'm walking to my car in a parking lot while thinking about this blogpost. This resulted in my feet hitting the back curb at Target. Someone once joked that I may be autistic when I said I counted the tiles on the floor as I walked. I'm starting to think it may not be a joke.

I'm capable of moving on while still being stuck in one place.

I'm capable of looking forward to what's ahead and missing what I had. I just played a song that I listened to nonstop walking to and from class in June and July. For a moment I thought I'd have to make a mad dash across University Ave. and 4th St. and walk quietly through Marcy Holmes with my iPod (thanks, brother).



I'm capable of fixing two burnt out light bulbs in the kitchen that are slightly too high for me to reach, even on a chair. I nearly fell off the chair at one point and, like an idiot, grabbed the chandelier. I'm still alive, the ceiling is still intact and the fixture is still connected to the ceiling.

I'm capable of trusting my friends to be my friends. Thanks Chuck, Amanda and Perry.

Tonight I watched Where The Heart Is. It's not the greatest movie made, but I do like it a lot. I still cry at the following line (and I'm capable of accepting that I'm too sensitive sometimes):

"Our lives can change with every breath we take. Let go of what's gone. Hold on to what you've got. We've all got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. And that's what we've got to pass on."

Happiness is...

1. Talking to Per, Sofia and Rickard on Skype this morning.
2. Hearing Rickard play his cello.
3. Having my entire week planned out for work.
4. Finding out Gap sells the exact same sandals they did last summer.
5. Eating thin mints. Seriously, thank God for Girl Scout cookies.

In the words of Marcus...

"I was having a shit time at home and a shit time at school."

Life does not seem to be doing what I want it to right now. If there's one thing you should know about me it's that I've always wanted things to turn out the way I think they should. Case in point: when my mom was pregnant, I was so sure I'd have a sister that when my brother was born I announced that this was the wrong baby; I had a sister. I didn't have a problem with the fact that I had a brother, I was more frustrated that life wasn't cooperating. Not much has changed. I still get frustrated. Why does life need to be so uncooperative? I feel like I have no escape from this either. I don't like school much right now, I don't like being home alone right now, and I don't like being with people right now mainly because I feel like an awkward jerk no matter where I am.

This morning seemed to be a little better though. After a month of feeling like someone was about to hit me with their SUV (sometimes I'd look up expecting to see the headlights), the sun was out for the first time in a week and it felt warmer. I made myself a mix of self pity music. I share it with you today because I like it, also because I'd like your opinion on one of the songs ("Let's Go Bowling") that I've been obsessed with since last summer but haven't sat down to think about what it actually means. Do the work for me, please.

1. "Simple As It Should Be"- Tristan Prettyman (I don't know who the people are in the video)
2. "Car Crash"- Cloud Cult
3. "Walking By"- Something Corporate
4. "Let's Go Bowling"- Camera Obscura (This video kind of sucks, but this is the song)
5. "Lazy Eye"- Silversun Pickups
6. "Whistle For The Choir"- The Fratellis (I fell in love instantly with this song)
7. "Anecdote"- Ambulance Ltd.
8. "Books Written For Girls"- Camera Obscura (I have a slight obsession with this song too)
9. "Viva La Vida"- Coldplay (Yeah, yeah, I know I'll get crap for this. I think this is what the Les Miserables should sound like)
10. "Freakish"- Saves The Day (I think this video ruins the song)
11. "Sad Eyes"- Josh Rouse (I couldn't find a better clip-it's an adorable song though)
12. "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight"- The Postal Service (I find it difficult to listen to this song during the day)
13. "Pretty Voice"- Cloud Cult
14. "No Other Way"- Jack Johnson
15. "So Here We Are"- Bloc Party
16. "Fake Plastic Trees"- Radiohead
17. "The Best Offence"- Pony Up! (I couldn't find a video for this)
18. "Fade Into You"- Mazzy Star
19. "You Were Right"- Badly Drawn Boy

Now, what do you think "Let's Go Bowling" is about?